pursuing

Dear readers,

Rear deeders. Ear feeders. Sneer leaders. Mere weeders.

I just finished cooking and have got the dishwasher going. I’m a little bloated, even though I haven’t had much to eat today. In fact I didn’t even have dinner. Yesterday I ate a ton though. I was low on sleep and cranked the UberEats.

Doober Feats.

Well today was slightly better, even though it was mildly low energy, but I got some errands done after work, such as dropping off dry cleaners, taking my bike to the shop, running by the grocery store, and cooking.

I also got to talk to several folks, Patrick D, Ed S, Chris M and Jonwilder.

All fantastic conversations.

Dating was the main topic, and as I sit here by myself, giving myself some time to pursue my inner life, I can say that I’m a little overwhelmed. A little tuckered out if you will. I worked hard this weekend, and went on 4 dates last week, including 2 on Sunday.

Work and dating meant that I had to be “on”, and my body inevitably leapt and looked for relief. Relief which came in the form of sleep, jerking off, junk food, video games and eschewing responsibilities like holiday parties and family get togethers. I even denied my sponsee an impromptu big book study, but I did have other things going on that day… and he canceled the day before, if you’re keeping score.

These dating apps at first seem like an escape, a virtual playland of opportunity and fantasy, but they eventually become real. In the past I would become overwhelmed with this reality, and cast it off like bedcovers after waking up from a nightmare.

The escapism I felt and exhibited this weekend in the past would overwhelm me, and send me into a further frenzy of hedonistic behavior, but alas, I have a renewed sense of spirit around me, and maybe just some awareness, and less shame. I am able to observe with a little more objective lens that the way I handled stress this weekend, is not up to my ideal.

Do I curse my ideal as a fantastical daydream of my better self, like I did in the past, with remorse, fear and self-hatred? Maybe still a little, but more recently I have decided that bringing this stuff out into the light can get me much further in life, and that it builds trust in my higher power.

Can pursuing with a grip that isn’t so tight produce results? I certainly hope so, and I think it can help me with other parts of life too.

Thanks for reading.

Blanks pour kneading.