pursuing

The sound of that harmonica sure is sad.

Watching Midnight Cowboy right after a date in which I’m not sure if it went well or not got me thinking about loneliness. It gave me some insight into my own loneliness the past few days. (I think I’m lonelier than I was willing to admit. Note how both the present tense and the past tense are used in that sentence.) The Christmas and New Year’s Holidays got me feeling a little bit lonelier than I thought I would be. The 5 pm service at Peachtree left me feeling lonely. I wonder if there were other’s that were feeling lonely that night. I’m sure of it. Too bad this is not their blog. Let’s try and stick with my feelings.

It was sad not having my family with me in the pews for the Christmas Eve service. This holiday brings out so many feelings and memories. I’m reminded of when my sister got proposed to after the 8 pm Christmas Eve service, what a joyous night that was. I’m reminded of going to Waffle House after the Christmas Eve service with my family. One year we had my cousins S and K in town for that tradition, and they always remind us of how much they were tickled by that family tradition.

One other memory I have – or maybe not even really a memory, but a feeling of a memory – is feeling resentful and angry at the Christmas decorations around town, and going around that bendy section of Peachtree Rd near the church, hands gripping the steering wheel, teeth barred, with tears rolling down my cheeks. The heartbreak of not having a family to continue that Christmas Eve family tradition wore on me in that era of my life – late teens, early twenties.

New Year’s Eve was lonely because, while I was invited to a party from some AA fellows, I declined the invitation, out of fear that I might see A there with her new boyfriend, B. I had seen pictures of A and B on Facebook a few days before, and was hit with a wave of sadness upon seeing their happy faces celebrate Christmas. I watched a movie at home on New Year’s Eve, and heard plenty of fireworks going off, feeling my heart race at the prospect that others were having fun, and that I was missing out. The next day I woke up, thinking about A sharing a midnight kiss with someone other than me.

Of course this leaves out all of the good things that I got to experience this holiday season, the time with family, the new memories I got to be a part of, and the great sleep I got on New Year’s Eve – because I wasn’t out late at night. But I point out all of the sad things that happened, because these weighed on my heart, somewhat unconsciously, as I re-engaged the dating scene, with what I can only now restrospectively say felt like a compulsive action, rather than an intentional one.

Chris reminded me that loneliness and lust are human conditions that encourage most people to enter the dating scene. He also reminded me that loneliness does not directly correlate to being lonely, that loneliness comes and goes like happiness. I thought this was a wise insight.

LA, the woman I went out on a date with last night, whom I had a great conversation with, and engaged in 20 minutes of kissing outside of her car, sent me a video about Mechanical Living featuring a talk by Gurdjieff. In this video, I remember hearing about the different characters in the mind and the ideal of integrating all of these different characters, some virtuous, some unsavory into one integrated being. Specifically I remember hearing about the lustful man. It’s funny what sticks out to you.

Midnight Cowboy, a tale of loneliness, insecurity, lust, naivety, trauma and featuring especially forlorn characters, sparked within me the sensation that I was right there, with Joe and Ratso. Pretending to be a hustler, floundering in the dating scene, while trying to balance two plates with one hand. At least, that’s how I felt tonight after seeing Reanna, and telling her I wanted this year to be about me overcoming my fear of approaching women in public. Christ, what was I thinking?! I was like Ratso Rizzo standing outside of that 5th Ave apartment, fantasizing about paradise (Miami) watching Joe screw up the male escort service jig, and having his fantasy crash around him. Idk maybe not, just a weird mental thread my mind is trying to tie together.

R really turned me on, she was so incredibly hot. The lustful man.

The rational cautious man. She drinks, is 1 year into her career, has no overlapping similar music taste, and on her profile, has listed: that she doesn’t know what an intellectual conversation is.

My god those lips though.

How to address my loneliness? Call other alcoholics? Meditate? Continue to invest in myself, my goals, my future? How can I bring others into my future self, my future goals, my future ideal? Is this sidestepping my natural inclination for sexual connection? What kind of man would I be if I were to continue to pursue the riskier treasure? One in the hand is better than two in the bush?

These questions will have to wait until tomorrow, after my rest. One thing is for certain. I’m glad I have better digs than Joe and Ratso. Bless their hearts.

The scene above from Midnight Cowboy, where Joe looks into a diner and sees his reflection, and a doppelganger, along with an advertisement for his old occupation, stuck with me. Will I revert to what I know to be comfortable? Joe confronted his past, came face to face with the option of returning to life as a dishwasher, and chose to walk past the diner. He couldn’t look back, he could only continue forward. He took the hard-headed, foolish approach to get even riskier, by becoming a male prostitute for a gay teenager.

What will my course be? What kind of man, or person do I want to be? What does my future with risk and dating look like?

These are the questions I hope to bring to my consciousness this week.